Poxuponye Dick standing outside of his secret undisclosed bunker


White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) - February 2nd, it's that time of year again... it's Chicken Hawk Day! Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America's official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.