Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

As we were watching the results come in last Tuesday, and anxiously wondering whether we'd have any use for our celebratory rum-dipped cigarillos, some of my friends and I were talking about various folks on The Other Side who form a part of our daily family and working lives (although I'm fortunate enough to be single and self-employed, with parents who are Republicans but of the old school, and who are just as disillusioned with the current administration as I am).

Now, it's often hard to have productive discussions with these sorts of people, because while they have no inhibitions whatsoever about forcing their views on you, they work themselves up into a snit if you dare to suggest that they or their Grand Old Party-Pooper might be wrong. You treasonous, America-hating godless liberal, you. But there's a way you can talk to them that will, with repeated applications, have the desired effect. Or, at the very least, raise their blood pressure a bit. All you have to do is get into a proper Godly mindset, and things just start flowing.

I say "Godly mindset" because we all know how the Right loves to thump the Bible and proclaim that Jesus, were He to come back tomorrow, would shake W's hand and vote a straight Republican ticket. But what, exactly, does the Bible have to say about today's hot-button issues? Let's start our exegesis with one of my favorite passages, Matthew 7:16-20 (in the beautifully poetic King James translation):

Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Now, how can we apply this passage to our present situation? Well, Republicans have been telling us for ages now that if only we'd throw out those darned liberals and let them run with the ball, they'd clean up this country and restore it to Godly glory. Americans being a trusting folk (perhaps too trusting), we've handed them five of the last seven presidental elections and control of both houses of Congress for the past decade. That's plenty of time for the tree to take root and bloom, so let's see what we've gotten out of it:

• Economic downturns
• An out-of-control deficit
• The ever-spinning Washington Wheel of Indictments
• A war whose justification changes with every telling
• Thousands of Americans dead due to terrorist acts, and thousands more dead fighting a guy who wasn't responsible
• Record recruitment numbers for Al-Qaeda
• Robust nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea
• An American populace more deeply divided against itself than at any time since the Civil War

By their fruits ye shall know them, indeed. And to top it all off, abortion's still legal and gay people can walk the streets without fear of Old-Testament justice!

Speaking of gay people, we can't forget our dear Pastor Phelps, who celebrates the idea of murder victims suffering eternal torment and preaches that American deaths overseas are justly deserved. If not for that Bible he brandishes, you'd almost think he was a godless liberal! Well, if we keep reading further in the Good Book according to Matt, we find these little gems:

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Pastor Phelps? It's Jesus on line two, something about wailing and gnashing of teeth?

(also, I do love to bring that one up whenever someone touts "faith-based" programs that do such good and holy works as leaving millions of Africans to die with AIDS rather than live with condoms)

Prayer in school? Prayer at every public event? I think JC's got something to say about that:

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

Of course, I think we all know a few Republicans whose problems are attributable to spending too much time in the closet, but that's another issue.

Republicans also tend to hate social programs; all they do is encourage "welfare queens" to stay home and have more kids, right? As it turns out, Christ was a bit of a bleeding heart when it came to the poor; once he even gave out food to five thousand poor people who were camped out in front of him. The nerve of the guy! And here's what He had to say to some rich dude who wanted to lead a good life (Luke 18:22-25):

Now when Jesus heard these things, he said unto him, Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasue in heaven: and come, follow me.

And when he heard this, he was very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

And when Jesus saw that he was very sorrowful, he said, How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God!

For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

See, to my mind, modern-day Republicans most closely resemble the Pharisees: a bunch of cranks who are so obsessed with their own holiness and with bludgeoning their brethren with the letter of the law (strict constructionism, anyone?) that they've lost sight of what it actually means to be a good person. A good example is Chan Chandler, the pastor at the East Waynesville Baptist Church who earlier this year banished Kerry supporters from his congregation. Now, insofar as I had a religious upbringing, it was Episcopal, and our good old Book of Common Prayer throws out this little nugget in its catechism:

Question. What is required of them who come to the Lord's Supper?

Answer. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of their former sins, stedfastly purposing to lead a new life; have a lively faith in God's mercy through Christ, with a thankful remembrance of his death; and be in charity with all men.

Some folks need a bit of schooling on that "charity with all men" bit, I'm thinking.

But on the whole, most Republicans aren't bad people. They've just been misguided by the Right's "reverends". Thankfully, we liberals have the Good Book on our side to help correct the "misunderstandings" perpetrated by those pernicious preachers, and as you can see you only have to let the Bible fall open to a random page and good old-fashioned American liberalism starts pouring out. So, my children, go forth and spread the good word, and when you're confronted with a particularly obstinate wingnut, break out your Bible and remember that, with God, all things are possible.

Thus endeth the lesson for the day. Apologies to Harper's for usurping some of their theme, but this is a gospel that's too important to keep under wraps.