Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

Don't worry, I got all your emails and prayers, my hard drive even crashed I got so many emails from Alan Keyes. And to all you that doubted Keyes, he did have my Dad's endorsement. Although Dad made a killing betting Satan on the outcome.

Well enough of my babble, let't talk to the rabble. The first caller is Marge from
St.Paul. Dad, am I sick of his letters. What's the word, Marge? You are on with JC.

Marge: Hi Jesus, this is Marge and I'm a first-time caller, long-time believer. My question is, how can you say you support Bush when the man lied about the reason to start a war? Isn't lying against the Ten Commandments?

JC: Just what I needed, nitpicking first thing in the morning. Why did I ever roll away the stone? Yes, you are right, Marge. Lying is kinda frowned on in the Ten Commandments. But it's not like it's written in stone. Let me put it this way. It says, Thou Shalt Not Lie. The President is not a Thou, he is more of a They. And sometimes They need to lie to start a war. How many wars do you think we would have without lies? So your President is either a gifted liar or an idiot. Which would you prefer?

Marge: I would have preferred not killing 100,000 people for a lie.

JC: C'mon, It had to be done. Sure we are killing innocent people, but you don't think
my Dad did it. He sent down a plague of locusts. OK, we have moved beyond locusts, and now it is a plague of megaton bombs. Same difference.

It was the perfect ruse. Bush told Saddam to get rid of the weapons. He did. So he sure the hell wasn't expecting to be attacked. We saved a lot of lives with that lie. When Halliburton buys out the Vatican, you can expect a few footnotes for all the Commandments.

Look on the bright side. Just look how much damage he is doing in Iraq. Would you really want him to be doing anything domestically? Do you want to have all that poverty, death, and blown up oil wells in this country? The guy enjoys killing so let the baby have his bottle.

Next up we have Michael in St. Augustine. Hi Michael, how's the Fountain of Youth?

Michael: How would I know? It's now a frickin water park.

JC: And next Thursday I will be walking on the Water Park. Be sure to get there early, tickets are going down faster than the Whore of Babylon.

Michael: I just want to thank you for using my wife, Terry. According to Tom DeLay, my wife was laid in a bed for fifteen years so you Republicans could use her. And thanks to the culture of life you work with, I now have to hide out in St. Augustine to keep from being killed by your followers. Oh, damn, did I say, St. Augustine? I am really in Epcot Center.

JC: Actually, death may be better for you than Epcot. It could be a mercy killing.

I'm kidding, Michael. First off, it was my Dad that sent Terri to help the religious right.
Personally I would have sent Michael Jackson. But once again, the Democrats are lying to you. And they are not in power, so they are Thous and can't lie. Dad did not send Terri to help them on the abortion issue or gay judges, or whatever their cause is this week.

He sent Terri to help distract the public from what is really happening. You can only use Iraq for so long. At some point people would have noticed and been pissed. So Terri was sent to distract the brainwashed masses.

Michael: So I do the right thing, and for this I am labled a murderer.

JC: Don't sweat it. You are just taking one for the team. I did and look where it got me. Someday you may have a radio show.

To my followers I say, don't hurt Michael. He just erred on the side of common sense. Just keep using him.

And now our next caller is Jan from St. Louis. I believe he was the Patron Saint of Beer. What can I do you out of, Jan?

Jan: Hi Jesus. I loved you in The Passion of the Christ.

JC: Yes, wonderful movie, I forgot how much I suffered - thanks, Mel. I thought people would appreciate the suffering caused by a Crown of Thorns without Mel Gibson showing it to them, but oh well. On the bright side, it kept Mel from making another Lethal Weapon movie. One more and Satan would have cashed in on another celebrity.

Jan: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

JC: You sure have, I'm the Son, not the Father. We'll just edit that out for you and he won't think you took his name in vain. Now, what was your sin?

Jan: I saw Fahrenheit 911.

JC: Jan, thinking is not a sin. That won't happen till Jenna Bush becomes President.

Jan: Phew, thank God, I mean Jesus. Oh damn. My question for you, Jesus. Which is the one true religion?

JC: Ouch, I kinda wish you would have saved that one for ratings week. What is it with all these hard questions. Doesn't anyone have a question about carpentry?

OK, Jan, you want to know, I'll give to straight. The one true religion is Islam. Just kidding. Boy, I bet Bush just chocked on a pretzel when I said that.

Seriously, I guess for home court advantage I should go with the home team, the Jews.
But they don't even reconize me, so screw `em. Catholics, they are the most fun, no doubt about it. If I had to turn water into wine for them, I would have had to drain Lake Michigan.

But the Catholics don't really like war, and are even against the death penalty. They take those damn Commandments way too literally. So I guess that leaves the Evangelicals. They like war, they like the death penalty, and they raise the most money. I know we never see any of the money, but it sure buys a Kingdom full of power.

To cut a long parable short: There is no true religion. They are all in the game. You get one religion, and what does that give you? Peace? We can't have that. Without war there would be no death. And without death you have one overcrowded planet. So just enjoy the competition. Gotta have someone to hate, why let it be your neighbor? You may need to borrow money off him someday. Better to be a stranger from a foreign land.

I guess it took me a while to become a conservative. Winston Churchill said you become
one at 30. Well I made it to 33. And don't think those heretic Romans don't thank their lucky stars I wasn't raised a conservative. I would have looked Pilate in the eyes at my sentencing and announced, "I'll be back." Then I would have come back from the dead with an Uzi and wiped the floor with those sinners.

So get behind your President. He is a good man that just wants to kill the evil that is ruining your country. Evils like Social Security. Since when did you care how an elderly person lives?. It's your money. Save it for yourself.

Let's quit beating around the Burning Bush. God takes care of those that take care of themselves. So quit trying to help others already.

That's all the time we have left. This is Number One Son saying, look out for Number One. Me and my Posse, the Disciples, will be improving at the new, improved Stations of the Cross at the Last Supper Dinner Theatre. There is a two-drink minimum but if you sell us your soul, I will multiply the drinks.

So till we rise again. Remember the words of My Pet Goat, Baahhhhaaahh.