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I spy on NSA guy Email Print

By Carnacki
01/26/2006 01:42:35 PM EST

As some of you might know, I've got my own mysterious connections that gives me access to some of the most evil and vile men.

For example, here was my interview with Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Bill Frist.

Tonight I went even deeper into rabbit hole. Tonight I delved into Fort Meade -- NSA central -- to interview former NSA Director Gen. Michael Hayden.

Me: General, this is Carnacki from Political Cortex.

Hayden: How did you get this number?

Me: I bought it off the Internets. Go ask General Clark about that.

Hayden: What do you want?

Me: Well, first off I want you people to stop listening in to my phone calls and reading my emails.

Hayden: We are not spying on all Americans, only on known terrorists.

Me: You right wingers seem to have an awfully broad definition of who is a terrorist or not. And if they're known terrorists, why aren't they being arrested?

Hayden: I wouldn't know about that. I just listen in on the calls.

Me: I guess we should be thankful for small favors considering how little you know of the U.S. Constitution.

Hayden: I failed political science and social studies.

Me: You failed ethics too, pal. I've got your file here, the one that follows everyone from kindergarten.

Hayden: ...

Me: I also know you're lying when you say you aren't spying on all Americans. I received an email from one of your agents asking me to spice up my life a little bit, that I was putting him to sleep.

Hayden: So what?

Me: So how would you like others listening in on your private matters?

Hayden: I've got nothing to hide.

Me: Really?

::plays tape::

Hayden: So I told her I'd buy the penis enlargement capsules, that I didn't know it was such an issue with...

::stops tape::

Hayden: Where in the hell did you get that?

Me: From NSA. I've got more.

::plays tape::

Glenn Reynolds: Doctor, I keep wetting my bed after having those nightmares of those scary Islamofascist people.

Jonah Goldberg: Mommy, I keep wetting my bed after having those nightmares of those scary Islamofascist people.

Rush Limbaugh: I need a case of 10,000 pills. Forget that, send a tractor trailer filled with them.

Bill O'Reilly: [Censored for adult content and to avoid causing massive vomit attacks.]

Hayden: Stop it! Please stop it!

::stops tape::

Hayden and me: ::heavy sobs::

Hayden: That last was too terrible for any one to hear.

Me: At last we agree on something.


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I spy on NSA guy | 4 comments (4 topical, editorial, 0 hidden)
Here's another conversation (5.00 / 2)
that my little electronic buggaboo caught years ago. This one took place back before the administration invaded Iraq.

Context: It was the original planning session that would lead to the installation of Iran-backed, theocrat, Shi'ite politician, and former exile, Ibrahim al-Jaafari as Iraq's prime minister during the transitional government.

(Warning: Excessive profanity was necessary for an accurate portrayal of Dick Cheney.)

::: March 4th, 2001 :::

Paul Wolfowitz enters a closed-door meeting in a sub-basement of the White House. Security is impenetrable.

Inside he's greeted by Perle, Bolton, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Bush Sr. and several top aides.

The issue is Iraq. The goal is to gain a foothold in the second largest oil reserve on the planet.

Wolfowitz: Gentlemen.

Perle, Bolton: Paul.

Bush Sr.: P.W. What's the word?

Wolfowitz: The words are 'Reverse Psychology'.

Cheney: What the f--k do you mean by that you little weasel?

Wolfowitz: Easy Dick! It's about Iraq and the upcoming invasion. I thought that, rather than invade and stick in a pro-US government like Bolton suggested, we should do something a little less predictable. After all, if the new government panders to us, people might get suspicious. Instead, we should stick in a bunch of religious extremists... you know... sort of a theocracy. No one in their right mind would accuse us of doing that on purpose.

Rumsfeld: Genius! And... and... hey guys... GUYS!... over here.

Cheney: What the f--k is it now, ass-pipe?

Rumsfeld: ....yeah, uh sorry... Dick... uh, in addition to Paul's suggestion, I thought we could... uh... you know...

Cheney: AAARGH! Spit it out you...  RRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...little twit.

Rumsfeld: ...you know... take it one step further... a pro-Iranian government...

Wolfowitz: What? You imbecile! That's nothing like what I was suggesting...

Cheney: Hold on a minute, Wolf. Dingle-boy might have something here. Think about it. If we install a pro-US government, then that's it. If they get out of line, we're screwed. We can't very well bust in and f**k up a perfectly good "dem-oc-racy" (curling fingers like chubby little quotes)... Bwaaaaa HA HA HA HA!

(laughter erupts throughout the room and continues for several minutes)

Bush Sr. (muffled in the background): (Good one Tricky-D. hee hee hee.)

Cheney: PHEW! So where was I? Oh yeah... okay, so we can't reinvade the place if it's supposed to be a legitimate democracy. BUT, if we have a pro-Iranian theocracy sitting at the helm, then all we have to do if they get out of line is claim they're helping Iran build nukes or some such bullsh*t. Jump back in and pound the livin' sh*t out of 'em....

end

And so it was. The plan was in motion...

Brilliant!

Political Cortex -- Brain Food for the Body Politic

by Tom Ball on 01/26/2006 03:26:04 PM EST

I think you are pulling our legs (none / 1)
We all know what you do behind closed doors, Carnacki. Don't play innocent.

Ack!

by Embolden on 01/26/2006 03:31:11 PM EST

I love it (none / 0)
but I don't get the part about asking General Clark about getting phone numbers off the internet?

Explain please?

by Captain Marvel on 01/26/2006 09:32:24 PM EST

Captain Marvel (none / 0)
John at AmericaBlog pointed out there is a company where you can buy anyone's cellphone records to see who they have been calling. To highlight the point, he bought General Clark's and told him. Clark has been making a strong stand against this on privacy grounds.

I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exhaltation. Sherlock Holmes.

by Carnacki on 01/26/2006 10:32:21 PM EST

[ Parent ]
I spy on NSA guy | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
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