Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

July 7th, 2007   
            A 42-year-old Utah man was arrested today and charged with allowing an American flag attached to his house to completely burn up when his house burned to the ground. Allen Dickinson, the owner of the house, claims that the fire wasn't his fault and was due to an electrical wiring malfunction, and that he wasn't even at home at the time of the blaze.
But prosecutors maintain that it was a case of gross negligence on Dickinson's part, for attaching an American flag to his residence while there yet remained the possibility that his house (and the flag) could be totally incinerated if a fire broke out while he wasn't at home. Speaking off the record, the district attorney told us this: "This is exactly why the constitution was amended with the anti-flag burning measure in the first place--to weed out anti-American degenerates like Mr. Dickinson. He knew perfectly well that the holy symbol of America could ignite at any time, yet he showed callous disregard for what not only represents the greatest nation in history, but also our very way of life.
It's becoming more and more obvious that we can never continue as the envy of all mankind unless we remove monsters like this individual from society for as long as the law permits. That's why I'm emphatically encouraging my constituents, as well as decent Americans all across this nation, to flood the liberal senators' phone lines with angry calls which demand that they stop trying to obstruct the congress from passing the additional constitutional amendment, which calls for mandatory life in prison without the prayer of a possibility of parole for this type of heinous crime. Like President Bush says, the American people just aren't going to stand for it. If you don't show the American flag an acceptable level of respect, you have forfeited your right to live as a free member of our glorious society. We have a 100 percent conviction rate in this theater, and this one is an open and shut, slam dunk." That was George Jenkins, District Attorney for Central Utah County. Jury selection in this case begins in the Central Utah federal court next month. Under current law, and that could soon change, if convicted, Dickinson faces a minimum of ten years in prison.
            Moving on to other top stories this evening---In the interest of showing a healthy bipartisan unity, Vice President Dick Cheney has extended what is being called an extremely gracious invitation to New York Senator Hillary Clinton to accompany him on a weekend hunting trip on his sprawling estate. We asked Senator Clinton if she intended to accept the Vice President's invitation, and she told us that she had no plans to at this time, that she's not a hunter, and that she was instead focused on her senatorial duties.
On a more serious note, national security experts are sounding the alarm and telling us that North Korea, one of three nations described by our president as part of an axis of evil, will have approximately 20 armed and operational nuclear missiles capable of penetrating well inside the United States, by the time President Bush leaves office. Senator Biden, whom I spoke to earlier, quipped that the irony of this is that by the time Bush leaves office, the dictatorship of North Korea will no longer need a nuclear deterrent to fend a US invasion.
This just in--we have breaking news to report at this hour--Da Nuze has just confirmed that the Chinese ambassador to the United States has just declared that the People's Republic of China has formed an ironclad pact with Russia and the European Union, and that this coalition is calling for the disarming of the United States of America in the interest of world security. Details are sketchy at the moment, but apparently these allies will be issuing our government an as of yet undetermined deadline to completely hand over all of its stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, or we will be forcibly disarmed by the daunting military might which even now is assembling to make good its threat. He went on to say that if the United States does not comply, we will face an invasion of a magnitude never before seen, as the most powerful nations on earth, apart from the United States, seek a regime change right in our own country. We go now live, to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who has just begun speaking from an undisclosed location in our nation's capital.
        "Good evening, my fellow Americans. Today, at approximately 6 PM..."
     We interrupt the Secretary of State right now to bring you the following, disturbing breaking news--the London Times is now reporting that a limousine carrying mega pop star Britney Spears has been in a horrible crash, just outside of London. Details are sketchy at the moment, and we have no word on Miss Spears' condition, but we go now to our London bureau chief, who has all the latest information. Chip?