BREAKING!! Karl Rove was a GEEK in High School Too!! Email Print

Tiny Little Turd Box Karl RoveAlright, alright. So that's not 'breaking'... or 'news'... or even remotely surprising... but it does answer some lingering questions.

For example, I'm sure you've all wondered where Karl developed his keen sense of evil, feverish distaste for compassion, and astute ability to f**k people over.

Now we know. It was all those endless hours he endured stuffed in stinky high school lockers. All these nasty mental maladies were clearly born of his hours-long periods of reflection as he peered at passers-by, cripplingly crunched amongst the texts, notebooks, and various writing accoutrements.

That's right. School-tool Karl Rove reigned supreme as his school's resident super geek. Oh well, at least his position allowed for a vivid Rove-recollection by his peers. According to his classmates, Rove Was "Physically immature, [with] no athletic ability, wasn't good with the girls, nothing." In addition, he was a "bespectacled nerd" who "carried a briefcase and wore three-piece suits everywhere, even to football games."

Ouch! And damn!

Even then, however, the socially retarded Rove knew and appreciated the power of the photo-op. In his drive to become president of his high school's student senate Rove's election strategy was unsurprisingly focused on gimmicks instead of ideas -- a strategy that eventually brought the world a George W. Bush presidency.

Despite his overwhelming geekiness, Rove "had a way of intimidating his opponents," says classmate Carey Jones. While most debaters would bring a few note cards, he brought thousands.

Holy shit!!! Thousands of cards!!! I feel intimidated just reading about it!!

Grooming his public image, he posed for a yearbook photo holding hands with Kathy Wagstaff-Emery, the senior class president's girlfriend. "I found Karl endearing, but he was too flippin' geeky," she recalls. "The truth is, Karl grabbed my hand just before the photo was taken."

Strangely, a photo taken only days later featured the clever candidate slumped horribly and lacking several incisors.

LOCK n LOAD

Then came the day he was due to take on the incumbent in a gymnasium debate. Sorenson had just finished his speech, when Rove arrived sitting on the back of a VW Bug convertible with two of the school's cutest girls.

The audience jumped to its feet as Rove and his adoring Rovettes made a lap around the gym, Gardner reports.

"It was classic Karl, an inner cockiness tempered by a little self-deprecating humor," remembers Jones. "blah... blah... blah..."

By the way, the nerd won.

He won! Well, thank creation the little tool won. Where would geekdom be if it weren't for the victory of this evil little f**k? Perhaps if the tiny turd lost, his route through history would have been somewhat less disastrous for the rest of the world. So to those who voted for the pathetic toad once upon a time, I hope you're f**king happy.

Lesson learned: Never vote for creepy, overbearing geeks (or for that matter, smirking, chimpish alcoholics).


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