Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

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Mutant Apples A Health Risk, Scientists Say

The FDA released a warning Friday regarding a potentially dangerous mutation in recent shipments of Granny Smith apples.

Scientists performed tests on the apples after a mysterious illness broke out in areas of Texas and Georgia. According to the FDA, the scientists discovered a mutation in the apples that causes them to produce a chemical compound known as xerthyanum. It is estimated that 10% of the population will experience a violent reaction to the compound, including severe pain, blindness, deafness, memory loss, and death.

The exact factors that cause the reaction to xerthyanum are currently unknown.

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Spree Killings Devastate Midwest

A recent shooting in Lincoln, Nebraska has been officially connected to a series of spree killings in the Midwest, according to the FBI.

The shooting is the fourth in a series of attacks by a group known as the Mad Cow Murderers. The group started their campaign of terror in a Wal-Mart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, then traveled to Missouri before heading to Nebraska for the most recent strike. So far, they have killed 34 people and injured 65 in their two-month spree.

The killers have been identified as four Caucasian males between the ages of 17-27, but no other information is known. Every attack to date has been against shoppers at Wal-Mart, though it is not known if this is because of a particular animus against the retail giant or if the killers simply consider the stores to be easy targets.

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Lockheed Martin Equipment Vanishes

A Trident ICBM was apparently stolen en route to a Lockheed Martin facility, according to a statement released Monday.

The missile, along with equipment necessary to its maintenance, disappeared from a transportation rig about 70 miles outside of Lockheed Martin headquarters in Bethesda, Maryland. The missile is not in working order, but could be assembled and ready to fire in three days.

The disappearance of the missile has caused some concern in the defense department, as it follows reports of missing blister agents from a laboratory in Kansas.

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Catastrophic Entity Spotted Off West Coast

On Tuesday, an entity of unknown origins and tremendous destructive power was spotted 200 miles off the United States west coast.

The entity, described as "a horrible mass of nightmares and evil" by a survivor of its most recent attack, emerged from the East China sea two weeks ago and drifted across Japan, leaving destruction in its wake. It then turned east and began traveling towards the United States.

No scientists or theologians have commented on the entity, though there is some speculation that there may be a connection between it and the sentient mercury-based ooze that has been terrorizing the northern states since January.