Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

Once upon a time, in a town not unlike this one, there lived two brothers - Jason and Tim. Like most children, they liked running, swimming, climbing trees, and playing basketball, but most of all, they loved bike riding. Unfortunately, the boys did not have bicycles of their own. You see, their parents were very poor. Their father had been crippled in an accident at his workplace, and could no longer make money for his family. Thanks to the efforts of a friendly trial lawyer who represented the family pro bono, they had enough money to survive, but they had not a dime for luxuries such as a bicycle.

But that didn't deter Jason and Tim. They knew of a family in a nearby neighborhood who were selling a pair of used but very nice bikes for a very reasonable price. Neither of the boys wanted to ask their parents for the money, so they decided to raise the money themselves. Now, the family's backyard was relatively barren, save a single tree which produced a bounty of beautiful lemons. Being industrious lads, Jason and Tim decided to open a lemonade stand in the affluent section of town. Each day, they plucked the best lemons from the tree and made delicious lemonade using their grandmother's special recipe. Jason, being a economic wizard, calculated their costs and carefully set the price of their lemonade at 25 cents per glass. With Tim working his charms on the locals, their little stand became tremendously profitable.

One day, as they came out after school to make the lemonade for the day, they saw something new - a shiny Caliharton stand, set up right across from theirs. The brothers knew of Caliharton; their father had been working for the corporation when he had his accident. Most of Caliharton's profits came from government and military contracts, but they had recently decided to branch out into the lucrative fruit beverage market. The brothers were worried about competing with the giant company, but they had faith in their product, and they only needed a little more money to obtain the bicycles.

The next day, only a fraction of their usual customers came to the stand. The day after that, there were even fewer. By the end of the week, no one was buying their lemonade. Everyone was going to the corporate stand.

"Brother, why is everyone going to the other stand? Our lemonade is as good as theirs." said Tim to his brother. "I don't know, brother." replied Jason, who was just as stumped.

"Ah, but I know!" spoke a deep, powerful voice. From behind the brothers came a tall man wearing a shiny new suit, with salt-and-pepper hair and a bright smile that seemed too big for his face. "Allow me to introduce myself, boys. I am Thadaranious White, guardian of conservative principles. I shall show you how to bring your rivals to their knees and build an empire of lemonade upon the ruins."

Mr. White whisked the boys over to the corporate stand. "You see, boys? They charge only 23 cents for their lemonade. If you lower your prices, the people will return to you."

This seemed perfectly reasonable to the boys, who promptly lowered the price of their lemonade to 23 cents to match the competition. They were making less money, but their customers had returned, and they were still very close to getting their bicycles.

A week later, however, the customers were leaving their stand again. The corporate stand had lowered their prices again, to 20 cents. "Well, boys, you'll have to lower your prices yet again." said White to the brothers. "But sir, we cannot turn a profit at 20 cents a glass. We will have to go out of business." replied the boys.

"Nonsense!" said White. "We'll simply mix some crab apples in with the lemon juice and sugar." "But sir, the crab apple juice will add nothing to the flavor." said the boys. White laughed heartily. "That's true, boys, but by mixing in crab apples you will be able to produce more lemonade with the same amount of lemons. You will be able to remain profitable even at 20 cents a glass."

Jason and Tim weren't sure about White's plan, but he was right before, so they did what they were told. They mixed a few handfuls of crab apples in with the lemons and sugar and lowered their price to 20 cents a glass. As White had said, they were still making money, albeit less than they had at first.

The next week, their was a heat wave, and the market for lemonade grew ten times. Jason and Tim worked as quickly as they could, but there were too many customers for the two boys to handle. As the line leading to their stand grew longer, frustrated customers left to buy their lemonade from the corporate stand.

That evening, the brothers talked to Mr. White. "We cannot make and serve the lemonade fast enough, sir. If we hire any other children to help us, they will want more money than we can afford to pay them." White laughed his booming laugh. "You are right, boys. If you hire greedy American children, you will have to pay dearly. But if you hire children from Third World countries, like your rival does, you will be able to double your work output for only a few cents a week."

Jason and Tim were not sure about this plan, either, but Mr. White had saved them before, so they did what they were told. With White's help, they arranged the adoption of two impoverished Vietnamese children. The children slept in the basement at night and mixed lemonade at the stand for a penny a day. The brothers felt a bit guilty, but White assured them that the children were better off.

Over the next few weeks, strange things began to happen to the brothers. Overnight, people stopped coming to their stand. Occasionally, people would pass the little stand, point at it, then leave, muttering to each other. Jason and Tim couldn't understand it at all. When Mr. White showed up at their stand, they had nothing but questions.

"Sir, we have done everything like you said. We match the other stand's prices exactly. Why is no one buying from us?" asked the brothers. White chuckled a bit. "You haven't been reading the paper, have you?" White produced the day's paper and opened it to a Caliharton ad. "Why buy from our competitors? Remember, we promise that our lemon bins are free from cockroaches, and our sugar bowls are covered so as to avoid contamination by rat leavings."

The brothers were aghast. "How can they say these things? There are no rats or roaches at our stand." exclaimed Tim. "This sort of promotion must be illegal, sir!" said Jason. They started to call the capital, but Mr. White stopped them. "Boys! You don't want to involve the government in your affairs. After all, you're not socialists, are you?" The brothers didn't know what a socialist was, but they shook their heads anyway. "Good, boys! Now, we'll take the money you've saved and invest in a campaign. We'll buy ads, order private inspections, and set up interviews with the cable news networks. You'll be back in business in no time!"

The brothers sighed. It had taken them more than two months to save that much money, and they would have to spend every cent on White's campaign. But they had no choice, and White had never led them wrong. So they started the campaign, and within a week they were back in business.

The week after that, the corporate stand (which had grown, now covering half the block) reduced the price of their lemonade to 17 cents a glass. In the evening, Mr. White came by their stand to discuss their options. "I have a great idea, boys! We shall mix additives into the lemonade, so that it can be sold even cheaper." "But sir, we already mix crab apples into the lemonade. If we add any more, the lemonade will have an unpleasant taste." replied Tim.

"That is true boys. That's why we'll be adding Tananaub berry juice into the mixture." said White. The brothers were stunned. "But those berries are poisonous! A girl down the street went blind from eating them." exclaimed Jason. "In large amounts, yes." replied Mr. White. "But if we mix the berries into the lemonade in the right ratio, it will leave the taste unaffected, and possibly even add addictive properties to it. You'll be rich!"

The brothers were disgusted. This was the last straw; they could follow White's unethical advice no longer. They set the Vietnamese children free, opting to make their own lemonade like they did in the beginning. They emptied out the bins of crab apples and returned to their grandmother's recipe. They had to raise their prices, but they had confidence in their product, and knew that their customers would pay a little more for quality.

A week later, Caliharton took over their little stand, and Jason and Tim were out of a job.

The boys were very sad. They had come so close to getting their bicycles, and now they would never get them. The Caliharton stand had driven every child's stand out of business, and in doing so had grown so large that no one could compete. Not only that, the family had grown even poorer since the start. The mother had been working at a small stationery store, but a Caliharton subsidiary had bought the store and downsized it. Now, all they had to live on was the father's payments were rapidly dwindling due to tort reform. To stay afloat, they sold the lemon tree to Caliharton; even if the boys wanted to try again, they couldn't.

But Jason and Tim were very tough children. They hadn't given up on their dream, and they hadn't given up on their family, either. They went to work at the only job left in town - the corporate lemonade stand that had driven them out of business. They were assigned to the mixing room. The work was very hard, and they were paid very little - a mere fraction of what they made at the stand. Some days, they regretted ever getting into the lemonade business.

One day, there was a terrible accident at the corporate stand. One of the brother's co-workers was pulled into the machine at which he was working and killed. Needless to say, Jason and Tim were appalled. They prepared an official complaint, claiming the stand's machinery was poorly maintained and had certainly contributed to the accident. But before they could mail the complaint, they heard a familiar booming voice: "Now boys, if you get the government involved, we'll have to raise our prices. That won't be good for anybody, will it?"

The brothers turned. Standing before them was none other than Mr. White, clad in a new suit that was just as shiny as the one he'd worn when they first met. "That's right boys, I work for Caliharton. I've worked for them since before you opened your stand. I'm sorry, but if we denied Caliharton the right to sabotage the competition, we'd be no better than the Commies. You're not Commies, are you?"

Mr. White explained a number of things to the boys. He told them that if Caliharton paid for new equipment, they'd have to fire the boys and their friends. He told them that an occasional death or crippling injury was an acceptable loss for a big company. And then, he told them that his friends in Washington had "reformed" Social Security, welfare and worker's comp in such a way that the brothers were now the primary source of income for the family.

Unfortunately, boys and girls, this tale does not have a happy ending. Now the breadwinners in the family, the brothers had to drop out of school and go to work at the stand full-time. There were no other jobs, you see - in fact, after gaining control of every business in town, Caliharton fired quite a few people and eliminated their jobs. So they were stuck working there for the rest of their lives. At the age of 25, Tim contracted cancer from handling the increasingly toxic additives used by Caliharton. He died two years later. Jason made it to retirement, but his bosses used a legal loophole to deny him his pension. He lived out his remaining days in a third-rate nursing home, poor, cold and alone.

They never did get their bikes.