Political Cortex: Brain Food for the Body Politic

Psuedo: Thank you. I'd like to thank the Science & Policy Forum for inviting me today. Well, I won't waste too much time, so if anyone has a question, stand and be recognized.

Q: Doctor, what is a "snowflake adoption" exactly?

A: Glad you asked. A snowflake adoption isn't all that different from a traditional adoption. In a traditional adoption, an individual or couple who is unable to conceive agrees to take on all responsibilities for a child who either has no family or has been relinquished by his or her natural parents. In a snowflake adoption, the would-be parents go down to the local in vitro clinic and select from among the frozen zygotes. It's that simple.

Q: If that's the case, then why can't the couple just go through traditional channels? I mean, it seems that there a lot of already born children who need families more than the potential children in the clinics.

A: On its surface, that's true. However, I'd like to point out that many of these "already born children" are not cute. Have you seen them? Some of them are already past the age of six. Six! How could one be expected to love a child when his prime baby-photo years are past? Not only that, but some of those children are . . . how shall I put this . . . they don't "fit in" with our neighborhoods and families. Do you understand?

Q: While we're on the subject, doesn't it seems strange to you that all the babies present at the veto were white?

A: I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

Q: Given that couples with infertility problems already have many options available, how do you justify not using these embryos for research that could save countless lives?

A: Here's the problem with that question; it's based on Nazi logic. Dr. Mengele killed lots of people to advance medical science, and you wouldn't support his methods, would you?  Or maybe you think we should have turned the Holocaust victims into lamps?

Q: Uh, I don't think -

A: Nazi logic, I say! Next question.

Q: Doctor, I have two questions. First, have you ever met with Senator Sam Brownback?

A: Why yes. In fact, we were having a discussion on this very topic just two weeks ago. He was preparing a presentation, and he wanted some advice on visual aids. He's really a very smart man, but he's clueless when it comes to visuals. Ha ha ha. Still, I think what we put together was very effective in expressing how Sam thinks. Now, I believe you had another question?

Q: . . . Never mind, you already answered it.

A: Thank you. Now, are there any more questions? Yes?

Q: I've seen some of these snowflake babies dressed un in shirts that say things like, "I was an embryo" and other similar political slogans. Doesn't it strike you as a bit cynical to use your children as points in some political debate?

A: Not at all! People have been having children for political purposes for hundreds of years. Back in the Medieval period, families would use their infants in pawns for succession rivalries. Even today, children are used in politics. Take the Clintons, for example. Do you really think they wanted Chelsea? No! They only had a child so the public wouldn't suspect them of being the fetus-eating, terrorist-funding Satanist aliens that they really are.

Q: Uh . . . could you clarify that last point?

A: I'm sorry, that would be straying from the topic. Next question?

Q: Getting back to stem cells; where do you stand on adult stem cells?

A: Adult stem cells are wonderful! They're every bit as good as embryonic stem cells, but without the ethical issues.

Q: Excuse me Doctor, but I've read quite a few papers on that subject and there just aren't any actual scientists who think that adult stem cells are as promising as embryonic stem cells.

A: If that's what you think, then you've clearly been looking in the wrong places. My friends - who are all graduates of the same, absolutely accredited university as me - have done lots of research that proves the efficacy of adult stem cells. You can find the links on my MySpace page. I have over 300 friends, so you know the research MUST be good!

Now, I believe I have time for a few more questions. How about you, young lady?

Q: With all the evil you face every day from atheistic scientists and liberal politicians and the like, how do you keep your spirits up?

A: That's a very good question, Mary Ro . . . I mean young lady. It's not always easy, but when I look into the eyes of a beautiful white child I've helped get a chance, it's all worth it. sniff Next question?

Q: About those papers you mentioned earlier; how many of those were peer reviewed?

A: Well, it looks like I'm out of time. I'd like to again thank the Science & Policy Forum for having me, and I'd like to thank all of you for attending. Thank you.

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If you would like a transcript of the evening's discussion, don't bother contacting us. If you try to call, we'll deny we ever held this discussion. If the Science & Policy Forum ever gets another reputable scientist to visit, the date of the Q & A will be published. Until then, the series is indefinitely postponed. We're very sorry.