Flat Surrogates to Be Drafted for Duty 
In an effort to increase the impact and effectiveness of President Bush's troop surge strategy, the Department of Defense announced today that "flat daddies" and "flat mommies" will be deployed to Iraq to fill out the ranks of active duty troops.
This announcement comes on the heels of reports that less than desirable civilians are being tapped by recruiters in a desperate attempt to increase the number of able-bodied men and women available for fighting in Iraq.
Though the new recruits may be able, they also have criminal records, histories of illegal drug use, and undesirable psychological and physical conditions. An undisclosed source has confirmed that U.S. military leaders are bracing for higher crime rates, greater mental health issues and increased desertion rates among their newly enlisted service personnel.
Acknowledging that they are scratching the bottom of the barrel, the U.S. military has pressed Congress to reinstitute the draft on a limited basis to allow the deployment of "flat daddies" and "flat mommies." Replicas of active duty military personnel started popping up in the news over a year ago. Flat surrogates, life-sized cardboard or foam core-mounted replicas of enlisted loved ones, have been hanging out with military families while their flesh-and-blood counterparts continue fighting in Iraq.
Photos have surfaced of "flat daddies" and "flat mommies" sitting with their families at the breakfast table, going with their families to Denny's, playing with their kids at playgrounds and accompanying their children to school in the morning.
Flat Troop Power
"This is a waste of flat troop power," said one undisclosed source. "We've have used drones -- unmanned planes -- for years. Why not unmanned troops? It's time to harness flats to swell our military ranks abroad.
The Department of Defense has ordered an undisclosed number of flat coffins to accommodate anticipated flat troop casualties. "Though flat troops don't bleed, they can be folded, spindled and mutilated. They can be blown up or incinerated. Flat troop remains will be shipped back to the U.S. in flat coffins draped with the American flag. Shallow graves await them at Arlington National Cemetery, where flat loved ones will be buried with full honors."
Generic Flat Troop Encounters
One problem anticipated in deploying flat troops is the unknown psychological impact of live troops encountering their flat counterparts. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said another undisclosed source.
A solution may be the creation of generic flat troops. Yet another undisclosed source has confirmed that generic flat troops are already being tested on the ground to see if their presence is any less effective than the unique "flat daddies" and "flat mommies" associated with specific families.
© Copyright Robin Locke Monda
KEYWORDS: flat daddies, flat mommies, surge in Iraq, flat troops
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