Paparazzi photo showing the hand of an unknown assailant seconds before the gangland style execution of soprano's creator David Chase


New York, NY (APE) - Fans outside of a New York City nightclub, Leotardos, were stunned earlier tonight as David Chase, the veteran Hollywood screenwriter and creator of the hit HBO series The Sopranos, was apparently executed in Mafia hit fashion by an unknown assailant. Witnesses said the assailant appeared out of nowhere and apparently fired three shots into the unsuspecting Chase before vanishing into the night. Chase had been attending a closing cast party with friends and family when the apparent execution occurred.

Attorney General Gonzales arrives for a review of war crimes trials at Guantanamo Bay



Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (Rotters) - An angry Alberto Gonzales flew overnight to Guantanamo Bay Cuba in an apparent effort to stave off disaster for the Bush administration after yesterday's dismissal of charges against two detainees by two military judges. Charges were dismissed against the two prisoners over what appears to be a technicality in the failure of last fall's hastily prepared Republican legislation passed by Congress to address a Supreme Court ruling over the legality of the administration's ability to prosecute detainees in Guantanamo Bay.

Grainy video of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid being held hostage by a group of "Kossacks"


Washington, DC (APE) - A spokesperson for Democratic Arizona Senator Harry Reid early this morning confirmed that the senator was missing, and indeed appears to have been taken hostage. Fox news network is reporting that it has received grainy cell phone footage of the Senate Majority Leader being held hostage by a radical group of left-wing terrorists operating under cover of the popular progressive blog, "The Daily Kos".

Has the Republican Party's favorite smelly ogre lost his magic touch in his latest sequel?



Washington, DC (Rotters) - Critics are united over condemnation of the latest efforts from the smelly ogre that everyone loves to hate. "Karl the Turd" was released with all the fanfare that the Bush administration and its corporate sponsors could muster, but it's tried and true formulaic writing appears not to be resonating with the American public.

"Is everyone okay, are we still alive?" uttered General Cheney


Washington, DC (UPSI) - Hours after touching down aboard Air Force two following what the White House has described as a extremely successful Asian trip, Vice President Dick Cheney was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by President Bush in recognition of his heroism in surviving an assassination attempt by a suicide bomber yesterday in Afghanistan. Mr. Cheney was recognized for his unprecedented valor and calm demeanor in the aftermath of the explosion which Taliban forces in Afghanistan have claimed responsibility for in an attempt to assassinate the vice president.

President bush speaking to employees at a Tennessee ethanol pruduction facility


Raleigh, NC (APE) - President George W. Bush yesterday took a tour of Novozymes North America Inc. a manufacturer of enzymes designed to harvest ethanol from various renewable resources. Bush touted ethanol as an answer to virtually all of America's problems, from oil independence to all controversies both foreign and domestic. Bush then took a quick jaunt via Marine one to tour another ethanol distillery in nearby Tennessee to emphasize the point.

An Open Letter to Ehud Olmert

By T.D. "Daddy" Rice

2/18/07

Ehud Olmert
Office of the Prime Minister
3 Kaplan St.
Hakiyra, Jerusalem 91919

Dear Ehud,

My hearty congratulations to you and your fellow Zionists! You sure know how to contain those infernal camel jockeys infesting your Holy Land. A man can't help but admire your fierce determination to keep that pack of maggots from maturing into a full blown infestation of flies.

John Boehner holding a portrait of the late Anna Nicole Smith for reporters assembled at the House of Representatives


Washington, DC (UPSI) - A tearful House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) yesterday pledged to reporters that he intended to end what he called a "destructive partisan bickering" over the Iraq War by the Democrats and return the business of the house to issues that the majority of Americans find important. He pledged to adopt the cause of Anna Nicole Smith, the controversial recently deceased reality TV star, and bring binding resolutions and legislation to the floor of the house designed to protect the average American from the exploitation the late Smith and her orphaned daughter have endured. "We will refocus and reunite the Republican Party around the family values that Americans have entrusted to our stewardship," stated Boehner.

Presidential security advisor Steven Hadley declines to call Iraq "apocalypse"


Washington, DC (Rotters) - Presidential security adviser Stephen Hadley yesterday, in a news conference at the White House, steadfastly maintained that the Bush administration was correct in its insistence that the conflict in Iraq cannot be referred to as a civil war. Answering questions from reporters, Hadley stated that the recently released National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iraq was far rosier than some of its misleading language would have some reporters believe. He insisted that the White House had taken great care to have the document reflect what the president believes is the true situation and that it was being interpreted incorrectly by the press.

Poxuponye Dick standing outside of his secret undisclosed bunker


White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) - February 2nd, it's that time of year again... it's Chicken Hawk Day! Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America's official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.

Washington, DC (APE) - Oil executives, lobbyists, and campaigners are racing to provide cash and other essentials to hundreds of stranded Republicans in the new Democratic covered Capitol building.

The Maryland National Guard resumed dropping bales of cash from the air early Thursday morning, and began trucking in funding to Republicans in the growing number of back offices that have been cleared of Democrats.

Reports of a growing storm about to hit the nation's capital have left lobbyists and special interest groups scrambling to provide for their herds. There is no estimate yet on how many careers may die in Washington.  "We think there are probably 30,000 out there at risk, that we're having to make sure that we feed."  Stated Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman, a longtime Washington rancher whose business will likely not survive the coming storm.

Photo reportedly showing Jon Stewart in possession of Giuliani presidential playbook


Washington, DC (UPSI) - Aides to 2008 presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani today leveled accusations at the fledgling bipartisan Stewart/Colbert '08 Campaign in regards to the recent theft and publication of Giuliani's 140 page 2008 presidential campaign playbook. Initially they had proposed that the document was covertly stolen by airport baggage handlers and photocopied by tricksters for another campaign, but they today produced photographic evidence showing Jon Stewart in possession of the disputed documents at a Giuliani press conference in New York, hours before the former mayor had left for the airport. The playbook in its entirety was subsequently released anonymously to the press, with many feeling that the revelations might ultimately be proven fatal to Giuliani's run for the presidency.

The Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign arranged for an exclusive interview for UPSI with the two candidates, in which they vehemently denied culpability.

New Coca-Cola advertisement featuring the plight of the Polar Bear  CLICK TO ENLARGE


Washington, DC (UPSI) - The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new "Enabled Species List". The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration's revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an "enabled species" the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear's successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration's pilot program. "We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years," stated Isdell, "The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We're happy that we're now able to give a little back."

A defiant President Bush seen shopping with secret service escort


Washington, DC (APE) - In an apparent attempt to lead by example President Bush today was seen making the rounds of after Christmas sales at a couple of very busy rural Virginia outlet malls. In a controversial end of the year press conference at the White House last week the president had encouraged all Americans to go shopping, stressing the need for continued improvement of the economy. Businesses nationwide are literally praying that brisk after Christmas sales may simulate what has been thus far a mediocre year for retail sales.

"I encourage you all to do your patriotic duty and get out there and mix it up," stated Bush, "there are some real bargains to be had, and you'll be supporting our troops in the war on terror by showing the terrorist killers that they can't stop our way of life."

President Bush celebrating Christmas at Camp David during a conference call with troops


Washington, DC (Rotters) - After an exhaustive search of over 200,000 troops serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other overseas locations the Pentagon was able to locate a handful of servicemen and women who were willing to talk with the president and receive his Christmas greetings to them. The president spoke in a conference call via phone from Camp David, Maryland, dressed as Santa to mark the occasion. The following are highlights of his inspirational messages to the troops: